10 Reasons You Can’t Have the Life You Want
And what you can do about it.
There aren’t many people that welcome change. Instead, most people ease into a comfort zone and prefer to stay there. That is until something outside their control shakes them enough to pay attention and wake up to the question, “Is this what I truly want?”
The last few years have provoked this kind of thinking in many people. We have been through MASSIVE changes — in culture, society, politics, economy, healthcare, climate, equity, inclusion, and on and on — little wonder you may feel overwhelmed and confused, worried about what the next news cycle will bring.
This is one of my #aliciaisms, little ditties that I have heard myself say and finally decided to write down (and make into daily affirmations and cards). What does this mean? It means it’s time to stop whining about your life and do something to change it if you’re not happy with it.
A leaf is blown about by the wind and has no control over where it goes or lands. It is at the whim of exterior forces. A tree may be buffeted by winds, even bent by the wind, but its roots (the fact that the tree knows itself) go deep enough to stand for itself even in the winds of change. You are the only one that can empower yourself to change. You will meet resistance from the external world but mainly from your own fear. You must learn to move forward with courage and agility while grounded in what truly matters to you.
Ask better questions.
One of the most useless questions coaches and other self-improvement experts ask is, “What do you want?” The typical response is a deer-in-headlights-look and “I don’t know.” Sometimes, the answer is, “I know what I don’t want.”
I ask a different question that has proven to be more effective. My question is,
“What do you want…to create?”
The implicit message is that we are all creators of our future. We can design our lives, move toward our goals, and satisfy our longings. Yet many people are unable to create their desired future.
There are reasons people remain stuck, unable to make the changes in their lives that would help them grow and feel more fulfilled. These ten reasons prevent you from having the life you desire and deserve. Do any of these apply to you?
1. You’re asking the wrong questions. Chances are you are asking the same questions of yourself over and over. Those are the obvious questions, the easy questions. Instead, ask questions that open new possibilities and move you forward, even if it is one tiny step at a time. Start by asking, “What do I want TO CREATE?” instead of “What do I want?” If you can’t succinctly answer this question, you’ve probably leaped over the hard stuff of exploring what you need to release, what matters most now to you, and what fears, beliefs, or assumptions keep invading your progress. You have leaped to the “How” without defining the ”What.”
Ask questions that linger.
2. You don’t believe it’s possible. Nine out of ten people will tell you why you CAN’T do something. And you’ll believe it. Find the one that will tell you that you CAN do what you imagine and will help you find a way. Enlist positive people to your side. Ask big thinkers who they might approach with your idea. Pay attention to obstacles to prepare to meet them.
3. You don’t believe you deserve it. Has anyone told you that you should be happy with what you have because so many others have less? Or perhaps their story was that you were too ambitious and arrogant if you had big dreams or “crazy” ideas? Playing it small in your life keeps you trapped in a box that others have defined for you. Whether you aim to be a wealthy business owner or a digital nomad roaming the world and writing a novel or playing music, what matters is that YOU define your BIG dream, not someone else. You deserve it because we all deserve to be happy, contribute light to others, and fully express our creativity to find meaning in our lives. Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve that.
4. You don’t have support. Life is too complex to go the lone wolf route. You need support. You need advocates, critical evaluators, cheerleaders, mentors, guides, and coaches. There is so much you don’t know that you don’t know. Surrounding yourself with a network of people who support you in good times and challenging times is vital to creating a fulfilling life, even against incredible odds. They will see possibilities when you can’t see them. They will share solutions to problems you can’t solve. They will pose powerful questions that will open your mind to new approaches. It’s simply too difficult to do on your own. We need each other to reflect what we cannot see.
5. Your fear outweighs progress. There will come a time when you’ll feel it’s not worth it or that you may lose so much in making a change that the fear of being alone, not belonging, and not feeling part of a crowd will cause you to want to give up. You may become convinced that you may not be capable of such a big dream. So take a break, a pause, on your journey, like a rest stop on the highway. Reconnect with the Why behind your vision. There are always times when it’s better to step back to leap forward. That, too, is progress.
6. You haven’t devoted intentional time and focus. Thinking about how you want your life to be different will not get you there. Instead, you plan it intentionally. To decide and commit to a different life, then focus on doing something about it every day. It should be the first thing you do in your day. Without intention and focus, it will always remain a dream.
7. You haven’t decided that it matters enough to risk. Every change requires some risk. You may lose relationships and things you care about when you change your life. It’s difficult for others to understand why you may be making a different choice than what they ever considered you would make. If what you want is inspiring and motivating enough, then you will proceed, even if you risk losing something from your past on the way to your new way of being in the world. If it doesn’t matter enough to risk loss, you won’t make a change.
8. You believe you will lose relationships that matter. This one is difficult. Your family, friends, and colleagues have a perception of you (and an idea of how your life should be) that is born from years of experiences with you. There is a dynamic that is created that resists change in that relationship. They will be fearful for you. That fear comes from the fear they would feel themselves. Although well-intentioned, their fears should not stop you. Assess if their feedback is helpful and thank them for caring. But keep moving forward. Allow yourself to grieve the people who will not support you or honor your journey.
9. You haven’t created the space to think it through. Check in honestly with yourself. Engage your courage to create something new. Distance yourself from your current life through a pause in your life. Perhaps it means retreating from the distractions, pressures, responsibilities, and crutches of your everyday life. By stepping away, you’ll see your life from a different perspective and open yourself to new possibilities you could never have imagined when you’re under pressure or distracted.
10. You have always been afraid of change, but now, NOT changing feels worse. You’ve arrived at the limit of your tolerance. Perhaps you’re beginning to experience illness or dis-ease. An undefinable melancholy may set it that becomes debilitating. You realize you need to change but don’t know where to start, and you cannot envision your future, let alone the steps you must take to redesign your life.
Now What?
You may not be able to control the events around you, but you can control how you respond to them. Instead of seeing roadblocks, start seeing detours. Instead of seeing the negative in events, start asking what the hidden opportunities are. How you engage change makes the difference between staying stuck or moving forward in the direction of growth. Creating a life of meaning takes work. Be firm but kind to yourself. If it matters enough, you’ll find a way.
Are you ready to take a “time in” so you can leap forward? If so, join me in Portugal for your personal, curated Becoming Limitless Experience. Get details HERE.
