From Letting Go to Letting Be
Breaking the Being Helpful Habit
In the past ten years, I have lived in three different countries. With each move comes a shift of perspective and lifestyle. Things that mattered previously are less significant, and new concerns draw my attention.
It wasn’t until recently that I discovered the people closest to me, my family, have become strangers. Over the years, I changed quite a bit, and so did they. Because we were apart for long stretches of time, I didn’t notice. They visited me in Portugal this year, which has been stressful and caused much upheaval in my relationship with them.
We are trying to have a relationship with one another based on who we once were, not on who we have become. Misunderstandings abound. There are hurt feelings, assumptions made, and beliefs challenged, all causing conflict.
When I see a repeat of events, I ask myself about my role in the dynamic. How did I contribute to the conflict? A recent (catastrophic) visit from my sister brought this painfully forward. Through reflection, I became aware of a habit that I thought was positive but has turned into a problem. This is how I contributed to the breakdowns.
While being helpful is often seen as a positive trait, I’ve realized that it can sometimes do more harm than good. These breakdowns in the relationships with family members have me exploring the path of letting go, finding balance, and embracing the concept of letting be.
The Origin of the Being Helpful Habit:
As the eldest sibling, and because my father died when I was still a teenager, I’ve carried a sense of responsibility to care for others for most of my life. It became second nature to step in, offer guidance, and solve problems. My profession revolves around providing support and helping others find solutions. But in my professional life, boundaries are clear and precise. I don’t offer advice. Instead, I provide options and observations, then release any attachment to the outcome. This objectivity serves my client and keeps me from becoming overly involved in someone’s choices. Yet I do not apply this approach to those closest to me. I confess I am attached to their decision-making and judgmental of their choices.
Frustration and Letting Go:
I’ll admit it — I feel frustrated when I see those I love most make decisions that seem contrary to their best interests. My advice, however well-intentioned, did not allow for their full agency. I know that we can’t and shouldn’t be responsible for the lives of others. They have their own journeys, their own lessons to learn. I had to accept that sometimes my help wasn’t needed or wanted. Learning to let go was unfamiliar, given my sense of responsibility and desire for my loved one’s happiness and well-being.
Seeking Feedback and Practicing Boundaries:
I have great friends, wise colleagues, and mentors who have significantly impacted my worldview. They gently share their observations and ask if I see what they see. It’s a simple yet effective way to encourage self-reflection that I use in my practice with clients. Now, I strive to apply this approach to my personal relationships. It means setting boundaries and resisting the urge to intervene when I deeply care about someone’s well-being. It’s a constant practice of restraint and trust that what will unfold for them is appropriate, even if I disagree.
Honoring Autonomy and Embracing Trust:
Throughout my life, I’ve learned the importance of honoring the autonomy of others. I demand the same of others. It’s not my place to dictate their decisions or shield them from potential harm. I have concluded that my role is to offer support, a listening ear, and unwavering trust in their ability to navigate their own lives, make mistakes, and learn from them. It’s a profound shift from being a problem-solver to becoming a compassionate companion on their unique journey.
Love and Letting Go:
Susan Cain, the author of Bittersweet, recently wrote about Mother’s Day and the letting go of our children in her newsletter, The Kindred Letters. She shared a poem called Walking Away by Cecil Day-Lewis (that made me tear up when I thought of my son). The final couplet reads:
I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show -
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go.
Susan’s insight and remarks are profound, especially around the poem’s last two lines. She muses:
If you want to let your loved ones go, with grace, maybe what you MOST need to know is the strange, shocking truth that you’re probably going to be okay without them.
Will I be okay without my family? I had never considered that this question was the doorway to letting be. Some part of me felt that I would not be okay because I would no longer be needed or perhaps even wanted or considered. What would I do with this void in my heart?
Susan’s answer was enlightening.
How are you going to be okay?
By knowing that there are so many beings to love, so many things to love doing, so many places to love going…. Because no matter what happens, you’ll always have your own company. You can always make your own meaning. You can always find beings to love. And therefore, you’re probably going to be okay.
From Being Helpful to Letting Be:
My journey of breaking free from the being helpful habit has been transformative. It’s not simply about letting go — of my assumptions, desires, beliefs, and attachment to any outcome. This reflective process has brought me to a place of genuine “letting be” without acrimony, guilt, or regret.
It’s taught me the power of embracing the concept of letting be. By setting boundaries, seeking feedback, and honoring the autonomy of others, I’ve fostered healthier, more authentic relationships. It’s an ongoing practice that requires self-reflection, patience, and the willingness to embrace change.
The Road to Letting Be:
Weeks after my sister’s departure and time spent processing what occurred, a peaceful feeling arose in my chest as I walked the cliffs. I looked out at the teal-blue ocean, chuckled at the antics of the seagulls, and felt the expansiveness of the sky enter my body, releasing the constriction I had been feeling from guilt, responsibility, and regret. I finally let be, and it unfolded in my body first, then my heart, and eventually my mind.
If you find yourself caught in the cycle of being overly helpful, take a step back, and reflect on your own beliefs, habits, and assumptions. Begin with letting go, find your balance, allow others to chart their own paths, and rest easy in the letting be. It’s a beautiful process that will lead you to more fulfilling relationships, self-discovery, ease, and happiness.
Originally published at https://aliciamrodriguez.substack.com.
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