Redefining Loneliness
Finding Purpose in Solitude
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? ~ Elvis Presley
There is a tsunami of loneliness arising out of the depths of our being that is unfamiliar to many of us. We struggle with a nostalgia we can’t quite define. Even as we Zoom all day long, this current of aloneness leaves many feeling empty and disconnected. Perhaps how we run our lives masks the moments of loneliness that would insert themselves, on occasion peeking out of our busy schedules, to be suppressed by the -isms of our culture? That temporary masking is no longer available as a distraction from our feelings of disconnection. There is indeed an epidemic of loneliness.
“Most of us probably think of loneliness as just a bad feeling. It turns out that loneliness has far greater implications for our health when we struggle with a sense of social disconnection, being lonely or isolated.” — U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy in USA Today.
In his book Project Unlonely: Healing our Crisis of Disconnection, Dr. Jeremy Nobel, founder of The Foundation for Art and Healing, posits three types of loneliness: psychological, social, and existential. Psychological loneliness is when someone doesn’t feel like they have anyone to confide in or trust. Societal loneliness is feeling systemically excluded because of a characteristic, including gender, race, or disability. Existential, or spiritual, loneliness comes from feeling disconnected from oneself. I’d like to address the last one.
What you long for is part of your human-ess — the longing to be loved, to belong, to be found by another person, to love another, to be in connection with another. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. It comes from an unrequited desire to express what is important to you and to experience that resonance that comes from being in the company of another person as they reflect your image to you.
Where you might welcome these times as being with yourself (in solitude, in reflection), someone else will experience the same time as being by yourself (loneliness, separation).
The first one is an invitation. The second is an exile.
I’d like you to reconsider loneliness as an invitation to know yourself differently. I’d like you to consider this alone time as an invitation to explore your becoming or your being-ness.
Everything has changed. Everything is uncertain. You too. You are not the person you were; your life has changed, and potentially, how you make meaning and what you value has changed with it.
You are now a stranger unto yourself with few or no anchors of a previous time. The invitation is to start a conversation with this stranger.
It’s a time to explore what you want from your life, what you’d like to create in your life, and who you want to become in the next few years.
This type of exploration can only be done with a slower pace, through the quieting that comes from the absence of activities that cause busyness and fill up your time with insignificant things. Now, each moment has a renewed value.
To embrace your loneliness as a friend instead of a foe is not easy. Can you begin to speak to your loneliness and ask what it wants from you and needs from you? Can you intentionally make time in your day to walk side by side with your loneliness in conversation?
Silence itself is a language. It is the language of the soul when you are in the deeper conversation of who you are and who you are becoming. If you are uncomfortable with or dread silence, you will fill your days with things, people, and activities without meaning.
Yet it is there in the emptiness of silence that you can rebirth yourself. As you come to know yourself without the noise that existed before, silence will hold that deeper conversation for you.
Practices and Conversations
As much as possible, go out in Nature and connect to the life force in the earth, air, trees, and water. Our disconnection from Nature disconnects us from ourselves. Renew yourself in Nature. Pay attention to the sound of the breeze in the trees, to the songs of the birds. Dip your toes in the ebbing tides. Smell the scent of the new spring flowers now blossoming. And yes, hug a tree. Ask each of these what lesson they may hold for you. Then, listen with your heart to the answer each provides.
These are all conversations with other living beings, and they matter even if your conversation is not with another human being. As you develop a relationship with other non-human beings, you understand you are never alone. A symphony of life in conversation surrounds you — if you pay attention, listen, and engage this conversation. Your disconnection from Nature has led you to believe that you are alone and has limited your ability to be in right relation and conversation with the life teeming around you.
Fill your heart with self-love as the first thing to do to connect to yourself and find your place of belonging. You must come to appreciate yourself, to care and value yourself first so that you come to know yourself anew. Do things that make you feel cared for. You must learn to care for yourself before another cares for you or you care for another. In that way, there will be no void to fill when love or friendship appears. This fullness is the way love thrives between people.
Courageously take steps to engage the outer world. Perhaps the people who surround you now are not the people who bring you alive any longer? What do you enjoy or enjoy doing? Find others who enjoy the same things and activities. Is it hiking, art, painting, or writing? Look for and join groups that help you express yourself and your creativity. When your creativity is expressed, it feeds your soul. That energy attracts others that resonate with your energy.
Technology is available to connect to others across the world. Be discerning with online groups. I find that writing groups or art groups are the healthiest for making friends.
If the loneliness grows too much, seek counselling to help you cope so it does not devolve into depression. Having someone to talk to so you can unburden yourself will be helpful as you manage these isolating times.
I hope these thoughts are helpful for you if you are feeling lonely. These are challenging times for many, but they are also times for reflecting on what truly matters and being open to more creative conversations that were ignored in previous times.
Alicia is a published author, storyteller, slow-living evangelist, and catalyst for personal growth. She works with individuals committed to making quantum leaps in their lives. Alicia is passionate about writing, Portugal, rich coffee, her dog Sophie, courageous conversations, and work with heart and meaning. As a published author and spiritual woman, she nurtures her creativity and soul in the beauty of the Algarve. Alicia’s memoir, The Shaman’s Wife, will be published in Fall 2024. Register for updates.
