The Antidote to Loneliness Is Connection
Relationships in a time of distraction
I’m someone who enjoys being WITH herself. I value quiet time; morning walks on the cliffs, and silence. I could make puttering an Olympic sport. My creativity is enhanced when my brain is still and my body is moving.
However, like most human beings, I have bouts of feeling alone, those moments when I am BY myself. The distress comes from the sensation of being disconnected from who and what I love.
Humans, by design, seek connection. But unfortunately, over the past years, we have lost that physical pleasure of touch because of the pandemic, remote work, and the overuse of technology. Instead, we are distracted, busy, and removed from one another.
Did you know a hug should ideally last between five and 10 seconds? I miss hugging. Although living in Europe, people here are more apt to greet you with a hug or kiss on the cheek or, at the very least, a smile as they look into your eyes and SEE you.
That’s the other thing. We are not being seen anymore. With our faces buried in our phones, we don’t look up to have conversations. We don’t discuss over meals when we are busy checking our phones. There is no witnessing of one another, and because of this, we do not come to know and understand one another in ways that build compassion, genuine affection, and connection.
I share these few practices with my clients when they feel lonely. First, it’s essential to identify the feeling of loneliness and not to overindulge nor dismiss it, but to claim it and identify what might be missing. Recovering our sense of belonging and connection gives our lives meaning, tells us we are valued and loved, and can be enhanced with simple but intentional actions.
Because of my background in coaching, I know how important it is for another person to feel heard and seen. There are sessions where I say virtually nothing for 45 minutes as I listen to my client’s story. I am fully present and actively listening. The effect on the other person is comfort, validation, and relief that someone cares. There is nothing to solve. This practice of witnessing, to be genuinely in a relationship with another human being without judgment, is powerful.
Do not text! Pick up the phone and call. Listen to the voice on the other end. Listen to their joy or pain. Tell them they matter. Even if you haven’t spoken for a long time, share your life events with them, remember memories together, and learn about their lives. Let them know they are not forgotten.
I have made those phone calls, and every single time, the response is joyful. Sometimes I’ve been told that they were thinking of me too. Isn’t that how it works when we open ourselves to the flow of life’s energy?
This may sound counter-intuitive, but solitude is not loneliness. Solitude is a reflective practice meant to connect you to YOURSELF. It is a gift you give yourself. It is also a conscious choice.
Most people are not comfortable being with themselves for very long. In that silence, with all distractions removed, you may face yourself in ways that surprise or worry you. Couple that with the cultural imperative that states you should produce something of value, which adds to the discomfort of just being still.
Loneliness is often born in the vacuum that forms when we no longer know who we are or when changes have unmoored us from what we thought mattered. My solitude practice is my daily walk on the cliffs. It is a time to listen to myself deeply, connect to what matters most, and intentionally create that in my life. Self-knowledge leads to meaning and purpose.
No pity parties, please. If you feel alone or disconnected, do something for someone else. It could be as simple as buying someone a coffee, helping a stressed mom carry groceries to the car while she corrals her kids, or volunteering for a community event or at an animal shelter. When we are lonely, we are disconnected from love. Share your love, and you will immediately fill your cup.
I’m still learning Portuguese, so I smile first when I need something and don’t know how to say it. It would be so easy to feel lonely and disconnected in a new country where you don’t know the language or traditions. I’ve learned that humility, a smile, and an effort to speak the language go far in building a feeling of belonging to my new community. It’s impossible to feel lonely when you smile, especially when someone returns that smile.
Loneliness results from not having our human need for connection and belonging met. But you can do something about it. If you’re feeling lonely, reach out to me or someone. Try any of the practices I shared. Remember, you matter more than you believe. Remember that you are loved and valued. And that you are never alone. You are always in a conversation with life and the world around you.
Originally published at https://aliciamrodriguez.substack.com.
Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash
